Buy this, not that iPad edition

1. A Prostitute

You have the whole package here.  You want multi-touch? You touch, they touch.  Multi Touch. Anyway. Bam, just like that.  You want games. If you pick the right one, all you have to do is say one. You want flash? Just gotta tell them where and when.  Voice recognition. iPad Doesn’t, Prostitute does.  Do I need to explain the connectivity advantages?  It just works.

*She will if you pay well enough.

2. A Prada Bag + Library Card

This is simple.  You want something flashy and you wanna get educated.  By reading twilight.  The amazing thing about a library cards is that physical book are 100% recyclable!  Over a million books.  Right at your finger types.  And they’ll give them to you for free.  Then you can store it safety in your underpaid laborer made Prada bag.  Vanity and sustainable lifestyle.  All in genius package.

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3.  A couple of weeks of meals with real people.

Once it a while, it’s good to actually contact people.  If you’re sick of Facebooking people, twittering your bf/gf/tf, tumbling your besties, flickering your child, ok cupiding your next free dinner, live journeling your best friend from high school, craigslisting your roommate and missed connections, and commenting on your grandmas blog to encourage her to use the internet, this is the solution you’re gonna love.  It’s magical.  When you see them in person, you hear their voice and see the expression on their face.  No 160 character limit.  No touch screen keyboard for them to blame their misuse of the word ‘procure’ on.  And you can multi-task in real time: eating, talking, and actually smiling. It’s the best way to experience people, hands down.

4. Tampons, a handle of vodka, and a tape player walkman.

You can safe a ton of money and still enjoy your music without any drawbacks.  All you have to do is let a tampon soak for a few minutes in your handle of vodka, still it up either your anal or vaginal orifice, put in your new order tape and go.  This will make you look as good as your music sounds.  And if you use the belt clip that came with your walkmen, you will be freed of all dancing inhibitions.  Anybody viewing you and your hip clipped walkmen should be able to identify you immediately as someone they can appreciate a cultural difference between.

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5. A Laptop from a 4G provider like Clear and a bottle of lube.

This is a more sensible solution.  You could get a Dell Mini 10″ with unlimited high speed from a service like Sprint or Clear. Flash Support.  You can listen to Pandora AND Check your Ok Cupid at the same time.  Magical.  You can install any application, any operating system including linux.  This means developers can make apps without any restrictions. Revolutionary.  Stunning.   As an added bonus, with the bottle of lube and kleenex accessory, you can control the action.  Movies on the fly. Any where you go.  The laptop even comes with a camera.  Let your imagination take that to a magical place.

So I hope you really really consider whether or not you want to support a company that’s creating an elitist developer group, a company that’s purposefully limiting your input options, and a company that’s reaping a near 50% profit off your hard earned money.  Apple.  Think Different.